RPGs: Handling Player and Group Dynamics
Questions about problem role-players always come up. This simple tongue-in-cheek guide may help you deal with common problems facing anyone who plays role-playing games.
Common Problem Players
If you are a player…
Problem – “The game master/other player keeps pushing racism, rape, abuse, etc. That is a real life trauma for me. I told him and asked for it to stop. He said no, this is how he plays.”
Solution – Leave the group and do not play it again if that GM or player is involved. “But, he’s my friend!” No, he is not. A friend would respect you. “The players are my friends and I want to play them!” GM your own game. They will come.
Problem – “The GM favors his buddy’s character and lets him take the spotlight all the time or gives him the best gear. It’s obvious they both know what’s going on, and all the other players hate it too.”
Solution – Ask him about it. If he acts like it isn’t a problem, start your own game without those two jerks. “But they are our friends!” No, they are jerks and jerks are nobody’s friends.
Problem – “The GM/other player stares at me and creates NPC’s that look like me. The NPC’s are romantic objects or constantly raped. This makes me uncomfortable, but none of the other players care.”
Solution – Get the heck out of there. “But, I’ll have no one to play with!” Run your own game and invite non-creepers. Teach your seven-year-old niece how to play. Play with your mom. Play by yourself. Do anything but deal with that crap.
Problem – “The GM is a super nice guy and a dear friend, but he is not very good at running games. I’m thinking about telling him he’s terrible, and we all hate his games.”
Solution – Don’t crush a guy like this. Telling him that he stinks at GMing will either destroy his confidence or he will dig in his heels and never change. Talk the craft with him. Get him thinking about RPGs in a new light. Gently suggest that he listen to Ken and Robin Talk about Stuff or other RPG podcasts. Not because he’s bad, but because resources like this are helping you become a better player. Heck, buy him Hamlet’s Hit Points, and tell him it helped you. “But he’s really bad!” Then put on your big boy pants and offer to GM a campaign to show him how it’s done.
Problem – “The GM slams the party with impossible encounters and then has a GMPC show up to save the day. This happens all the time. The other players and I are angry because the sessions are no fun.”
Solution – Tell the game master. If he doesn’t want to change, stop playing with him. “But he’s our friend!” If he refuses to change, he is not your friend. “But he’s a really cool guy!” Have someone else GM. If no one else will step up, then you GM.
If you are the GM…
Problem – “This one player talks about rape all the time. He’s always asking if his character can rape NPC’s and even player characters at times. It makes me and the other players uncomfortable. We’ve asked him to stop, but he won’t.”
Solution – Tell him he is no longer welcome at your games. “But he’s my friend!” If he didn’t stop when you asked him, he’s not your friend.
Problem – “This one player is a psycho rules lawyer. He demands we look up rules and argues over anything that might be ambiguous, especially if it involves his character suffering even the slightest set back. He shouts and insists he is right. He disrupts sessions so much other players are threatening to leave.”
Solution – Tell him his character was horribly dismembered by rabid one-eyed vampire owl bears and he is no longer invited to your gaming table. “But he’s my friend!” If he acts like this, he is not. “But we play at his house!” Play at your place. Play at another player’s house. Play in your car. Do whatever it takes. Or if you stuck with this guy (brother, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, etc.) give the players three tokens. The tokens represent times they can offer a rules challenge. Once the tokens are spent, the player has no more challenges for the entire campaign.
Problem – “This one player shows up late all the time and then spends the entire session looking at his phone. The other players and I are frustrated.”
Solution – First, see if he is depressed or is having problems in real life. Otherwise, set a rule that phones stay in pockets, unless it is important. If he is simply not engaged, ask him not to come until he truly wants to play. “But he’s my friend!” If he is your friend, talking to him will help him and the situation.
Problem – “An extremely outgoing player is hogging the sessions. Players who are shy are feeling left out.”
Solution – Talk to him about it. If he didn’t realize he was doing it, give him a chance to let the other players speak up. If he doesn’t care, ask him to leave the group. “But he’s my friend!” If he’s your friend, he will take steps to be more of a team player.
Problem – “All my players want to play some anime, movie, book, etc. that I don’t know or care about.”
Solution – Tell them. Then work out a campaign you all like and want to play. If they insist on the setting you don’t want to run, ask one of them to game master and you will play. “But none of them will GM!” Then they will need to compromise on the setting or there will be no new game.
Problem – “I’ve been GMing for four years straight, and I’m burnt out. I’d like to play or take a break, but my players want more campaigns and say I’m whining.”
Solution – Let your group know you are serious. Ask one of them to GM a campaign. “But none of them will GM!” Then say you are going to take a couple months off. If they are your friends, they will understand. If they are not your friends, find people who are willing to work with you.
Problem – “My players don’t know the rules and fumble through the sessions asking a million questions. They then complain that the sessions are boring or that their characters never do anything fun.”
Solution – Ask that they read the rules. If they refuse, they do not want to play the game. Stop the campaign. “But I want to play!” Find people who are at least willing to meet you half way.
If you are the problem…
Problem – “In the heat of the moment, I joked about rape, racism, abuse, etc. For some stupid reason, I thought it would be viewed as funny. I see the remark hurt another player or the GM.”
Solution – Say you are sorry and that it won’t happen again. “But it really was funny and those prudes are too easily offended!” No, it wasn’t. Check yourself, bro.
Problem – “I’ve been GMing for a while now, but I can tell my players are frustrated with my sessions. Frankly, I have no idea what I’m doing. I just love role-playing so much and want to keep trying, but I’m afraid my players will leave.”
Solution – Admit your struggles to the group. Ask for some patience, but work on your game. Listen to RPG podcasts. Read RPG books. Consider story structure. Skip boring or tedious scenes. Jump into the action. “But I’m actually awesome! My players just don’t understand!” Please stop. Just stop.
Problem – “This new girl joined our group. She’s beautiful and funny. I can’t keep my eyes off of her. I can tell I’m starting to make her uncomfortable.”
Solution – You are lusting and acting desperate. You need to calm yourself down. And don’t stare, for God’s sake. Self-control is not easy, but you need to learn it fast. If you crossed a line, apologize. However, you need to be careful the apology doesn’t cross a line. Yes, social interactions are complex, but you can handle it. “But she loves me, even though I’ve never talked to her!” No, just no. Maybe The Art of Charm can help.
Problem – “Our GM is burnt out. He has new family obligations and just started a new, high-stress job. He’s hinting that someone else should GM for a while. I’ve been playing RPGs since I was nine, and I know the rules to four or five systems, but I’m afraid to GM.”
Solution – Conquer your fear. Volunteer to GM even though it scares you. Try a one-shot instead of a huge campaign. Mine an obscure movie or novel for story points. “But I’m scared, and I won’t be any good!” Remember this: “He has not learned the first lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear.” – John Dryden
Problem – “I’m very loud and outgoing. I’ve been noticing I dominate some of the sessions. I tend to speak up first, not waiting for other players. I can tell some members of the group are frustrated.”
Solution – Pause before you speak. Bite your tongue until someone else jumps in first. Use it as an RP opportunity. Make a character that is quiet and shy. Then play it the best you can. “But the other players are too quiet and they don’t do the things I want them to!” You, sir, are a jerk.
Problem – “I love role-playing, but my heart is not in it right now. The break up was tough and my boss has been on my case the last few weeks. I need more sleep and a chance to clear my head. The group I’m playing with is awesome and I don’t want to lose them. I sleepwalked through the last couple of sessions and irked some of the guys.”
Solution – Let the group know what is happening. Take a break and come back fresh later. Or double down and throw yourself into the game. “I could get into the game, if it were cool!” Get out of my sight.
Problem – “I like to be right, and I want to win. I know I cross the line sometimes with yelling or demanding we check the rules. I really don’t want to be a jerk.”
Solution – Let it go. It’s a game. Have fun. Let others have fun. If your character is injured or loses some equipment, accept the challenge. If you fail a roll, remember that is what makes things interesting. “But everyone else plays wrong! I know I rolled a one, but I should have been allowed to use Acting instead of Athletics! Why can’t I poison the hammer?” Go home and play by yourself. Actually, do everything by yourself. No one wants to be around you.
Conclusion
I approached this topic in black and white terms and with some harshness and a bit of levity.
Usually, the biggest issue is fear of conflict. If you are having a problem at the table with someone, talk to them. Do not let a problem go unchecked for session after session. That is when behaviors become entrenched, grievances fester, and the stakes get higher.
At the first sign of a problem, address it. The first time a player says, “Can I rape…” Just say, “Dude, let’s not go there.” Nine times out of ten, the player will back off and it will be cool. The time someone doesn’t back off, you will know he or you do not fit the group.
If they are reasonable, work with them to resolve the issue. If they are not reasonable, ask them to leave or you leave.
We are talking about a hobby. Everyone should be having fun.